Leaving Los Angeles.

"Don't wait up, we'll be fine.
Somehow we might get it right in our finest year.
In this moment, while you're breathing.
If the future leaves you needing,
Will you be the one who stayed?"
- Better Than Ezra, "Our Finest Year"

As I sit here typing this, my final entry in The Hillbilly Takes Hollywood, my heart is split in two; both weighted down by an overwhelming sadness and jittery with anticipation. Today is the day that I knew was coming since the first day I crossed the California border. Today is the day I leave Los Angeles.

With any great change, this moment is bittersweet. For the last twelve months, Los Angeles has been my home and there are things that I will miss. I’ll miss the big events. The great musicians performing at The Troubadour. The trips to San Diego, to Malibu, to Anaheim. The movie premiers on Hollywood Boulevard. The chance encounters with B-list celebrities. The Oscars. The Pig N’ Whistle. The Palladium. The Sunset Strip. But maybe even more than those things, it’s the little things I’ll miss. Laying on the beach. Overlooking all of LA from our rooftop. Weekends in the park. Reading a book on the train ride to work. The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Miyagi’s. Universal’s City Walk.


Knowing that on any given day at any given time, magic is happening in this city. And knowing that I’ll no longer have it surrounding me breaks my heart.

But as the sun sets on our final days in the city, I realize that I have a whole year’s worth of memories and experiences to take with me for the rest of my life. It’s something that I will never regret.


Goodbye, Hollywood. You will be missed.


This Entry In Song:
Aaron Sprinkle - "My Own Chapter"
Guster - "So Long"
Matt Nathanson - "Gone"
Better Than Ezra - "Our Finest Year"

Completely,
Shaky Jake

Like It Or Not, It’s Transformers...in IMAX.

"Does it feel familiar? Are you comfortable with this?"
- Kristeen Young, "Comfort Is Never a Goal"

I saw Transformers 2 at Universal Citywalk’s IMAX theater last night. It was huge, it was loud, and it was explosive-y. It’s pretty much what you expect from every Michael Bay movie, with the sole exception here being that I didn’t walk away from the theater having already penned a detailed drawing on how I could turn Bay’s major body parts into a stocking cap. I’m still having difficulty accepting the fact that I didn’t completely loathe Transformers 2. If I liked the movie, that means that I must admit to hating Michael Bay less. And quite frankly, that’s just not something I'm ready to do.

So I’ll settle for this: if Michael Bay showed up to my doorstep holding an autographed copy of Miami Vice, I would hesitate longer before shitting in his mouth. Of course, this still doesn’t mean that I’ll be camping out for the midnight showing of Transformers 3: Bigger & Transformier. But, I'll have to consider renting it.


This Entry In Song:
Better Than Ezra - "Hollow"

Be Back Soon,
Shaky Jake

A Politically-Charged Rant On Foreigners in America.

In this blog, you'll usually find me making paragraph-long jokes about celebrities or musing on slightly sentimental topics...but not today. Today I'm tackling something a little more serious and controversial: foreign people coming to America and pissing me off.

WHAT?

Yeah, I know, bare with me. Or don't. It's up to you, because you're living in America and have the freedom to click your way to another blog or go peak in on your neighbors next door doing it like coked-up rabbits instead. The choice is yours.

If you're still here, I'll issue a straightforward warning: you may agree with me on these things and you may not. If you don't, that's cool. (That means you're a dick...but whatever.) And just so you know, I'm not going to be one of those Southern prejudiced caricatures that screams "if you can't speak English, you don't belong in this here country!" at every off-white person he encounters. But, over the past few months, I've had my head shoved into the (at-times counter-intuitive) melting pot that is Los Angeles, and I don't always like what I see.

The population of "out-of-towners" in L.A. is mind-blowing. If I had to guess, less than 30% of the people that live here were born in America. That other 70% is very, VERY proud of their ethnic heritage; proud to the point where they refuse to learn English because it might "taint" their own cultural identity. Instead, these people will look at you like you're from fucking outer space if you can't speak their language. Like they're offended. That you can't speak Spanish in America. What...the...fuck?

If I go to Panama, and the Panamanians don't speak English, I think, "yeah, that's about right. Boy, I wish I'd stopped to learn a little of the native language before I decided to live here." It sucks, but it's fair. I don't think, "what a bunch of cocksuckers. Learn to speak English you idiots. [Scoff] Arrogant Panamanians." And yet, that's what I see happen nearly everyday in California.

Message to all foreigners: If you don't want to speak our language, or participate in our culture, or "American-ize" yourself too much, then stay in your own country. It's pointless for you to be here if you're not going to try grow as a person, and it's just plain rude to expect everyone to cater to your every whim because you don't understand what the hell is going on. Get over yourselves.

Drunken Cartwheels: An American Tradition.

Sure, America is a great place to escape all types of persecution and we welcome the "tired...poor...huddled masses yearning to be free," but that comes with restrictions. You can't just come here to piss on our heritage and do exactly what you did in your home country (with better pay and benefits). Doesn't work that way. Granted, American flag apparel is not necessary (for anyone...ever) and you don't even have to know all of the state capitals. But being able to pronounce the president's name and having an English vocabulary greater than Hellen Keller is a must! They are pre-requisites, not options.

Please attempt to learn the basic words and phrases that are needed in important situations--like, I don't know, working and stuff. You can certainly come to America and you can absolutely take a job away from a lazy American who thinks that working at a McDonald's is below him but beating his wife and starving his kids is an Olympic event. That's fine. But if it's truly that hard for you to understand simple things like "how are you?" and "this isn't supposed to go in there" and "put that down before you hurt somebody" you may want to consider picking up an English dictionary to have some alone-time with. And you absolutely, positively, without a single doubt, should NOT hold a job which requires you to speak to customers over the telephone. That's just being silly and makes it seem as if you're trying to piss Americans off. We don't like it! (So...job well done?)

If you don't like this country, the people in it, and its culture, why would you want to live here? And if you're going to stick strictly to your own ethnic circles, speaking in your foreign language at all times, couldn't you be doing that back home? With people that do that same thing and won't get furiously annoyed with you when you think that "orange" is a number?

Just something to think about, foreigners.


This Entry in Song:
Anberlin - "Foreign Language"
Better Than Ezra - "American Dream"

Be Back Soon,
Shaky Jake