"Pump it up until you can feel it.
Pump it up when you don't really need it."
- Elvis Costello, "Pump It Up"
I'm saying goodbye to being skinny, people. That's right. The fingers that are currently typing this will soon be replaced with muscular sausages the girth of The Hulk's penis. (Probably...I'm not an expert on the matter...just seems like it would be impressive...ya know?) So where a strong breeze may have pushed me off balance in the past, I will now be able to grab that wind by the testicles and toss it overseas where it belongs.
It's about more than just lifting weights, though. You gotta do more than just pick up some dumbbells and dance around with them in your hands, after all. That's why I'm not gargling with mouthwash, but pure protein whey. I'm injecting whole pieces of chicken directly into my pecs, baby. Six-pack? Please. I'm talking about Taco John's Six-Pack and a Pound, at the very least. In the coming months, if you look directly at my abdomen, your eyes will bleed the fat tears of the unfit. Getting excited? Just wait.
I offer a series of analogies to help you understand just how maddeningly ripped I am about to become: (1) my physique will make Hugh Jackman look like Martin Short in the cartoon version of Ed Grimley, (2) my arms will have to be separated into 2 different time zones--my triceps will be Central, my biceps Eastern Pacific, and (3) the skin on my body is going to become taught like a large rubberband being stretched to full length...by a hot piece of buttock meat. (Chew on that last one a little while longer. All right? Thinking of the image? Cool...then let's move on.)
Bottom line is this: God willing, I won't be mistaken for Mary Kate Olsen ever again. If anything, I'll have to beat fans of Lou Ferigno off with a stick. And by "stick," I mean an arm's length of muscle pulp. 'Cause that's what I do.
Well, that's what I'll do when I eventually make it down to the gym.
This Entry In Song:
Elvis Costello - "Pump It Up"
Muse - "Muscle Museum"
Be Back Soon,
Shaky Jake
