Anatomy of a Rock Concert.

"In concert tonight, the bass drum was quick.
If you've got things on your mind, shake them off."
- The Faint, "In Concert"

Standing in line for hours and minutes and seconds too long, accompanied by die-hard fans and bandwagon jumpers. Protein bars and bottled waters, or a quick trip to McDonalds to satiate your growing appetite for live music. Thousands of people wearing the t-shirt of the band that they're going to see, while dozens of others don a design that loosely resembles something associated with the general idea of music. (A cryptic guitar logo, perhaps?) If it's a punk rock concert, you may be the oldest person within eyesight...and you're twenty-two years old.

Prepare for an opening band that takes themselves way too seriously but doesn't recognize that dreadlocks, constant spitting, and shoeless feet are not the key ingredients for "serious music." (A bassist that apparently moonlights as a snake charmer doesn't help, either.) Whether you're there for the headliner or for the supporting act, chances are, the rest of the audience will be split between the two. And whichever group you fall into, the people standing around you will more than likely be on the opposing team.

It's a rock show, so expect plenty of moshing/pushing/crowd-surfing/fist-fighting to be present. If you're anti-aggressive listening, front and center is probably not the place for you. And if you expect the insanity to let up during the ballads, you would be sorely (in the morning) mistaken. And since it's "today's" rock show, get used to the idea of flashing strobes of light coming from behind you instead of up on stage. Cameras, camera phones, and camera shoes (they're coming soon) will be abundant and constantly flickering. Speaking of the audience, there are usually a slew of variables that make it difficult to predict exactly how a concert will go, but there are three things that always remain constant: 1) no matter how early you get to the show, you will always be standing behind a towering brick wall of a human; 2) they will smell like a combination of piss and vinegar; and 3) there will also be someone standing directly behind you who is way too into the band and knows every word to every song...and thinks they sound better than the person being paid to sing in front of the audience.

One of these people is the reason your pillow will smell like death in the morning.

If the lead singer doesn't also play an instrument, he's going to fall into one of the following categories: microphone swinger, over-dramatic poser, or shoe-gazer. If he's the last kind of singer, expect to go home that night discussing how amazing the light show was or how the keyboardist "really knew his shit." Hopefully you get a showman, someone who knows how to rile a crowd up and also calm their asses down when they get out of hand. (Also hope for a stageman who considers spitting into an audience member's lungs a concert foul.)

I prooooomise not to spit into yoooooour mouth.

With any luck, you'll have survived the show without coming away on crutches and trying to guess whose sweat is all over your shoes. And if you're still able to hear the radio on the way home, you weren't at a real rock concert. Go back and try it again.


This Entry In Song:
Envy on the Coast - "Temper Temper"
Anberlin - "Godspeed"
Taking Back Sunday - "MakeDamnSure"

Be Back Soon,
Shaky Jake