Rejected CRACKED Article #2.

Because you were totally asking for it, here comes another failed article from Cracked.com's wannabe writer:

*****
THE MOST IRONIC WAYS PEOPLE DIED.

A lot of people have died in silly, obscure, and even unbelievable ways. But it takes a real champ to go out in a way that can be considered truly ironic. These are the people who made Alanis Morrisette want to pen a follow-up hit and were ultimately the lightning rods for God's worst sense of humor.

• Red Foxx

The Jab:
After his days on “Sanford & Son” ended, Foxx returned to television many years later–he needed some time off to dedicate to his family and cocaine (70/30, respectively)–in a show called “The Royal Family.” The original name for the show was supposed to be “Chest Pains,” but producers eventually decided that it sounded too much like something associated with a gag Foxx used to pull on Sanford & Son. Either that, or producers peered into the future and knew that eventual confusion among viewers as to whether they were watching a show about Fred Sanford or Mike Siever would create a strange dip in the target demographic.

The Irony Blow:
A month into the show, Foxx died of a heart attack during rehearsals. Rehearsals for a show previously named “Chest Pains.” Now hearing Fred Sanford breathily gasp "Oh this is the biggest one I ever had! You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join ya honey!" is just sad.

• Mel Ignatow

The Jab:
Ignatow escaped a lengthy jail sentence when he was acquitted of murdering his wife. Due to something called Double Jeopardy, he was then unable to be re-tried for her death once certain proof was found against him. (This, coincidentally, was the same way Alec Trebec was aquitted of his moustache.) The aforementioned proof? A videotape showing Ignatow as the obvious killer wherein he had his wife bound to a glass coffee table.

The Irony Blow:
Any guesses as to how this cancerous mole died? Yeah. Fell through a glass coffee and cut himself up so much that he bled to death. Revenge is a dish best served with shards of itself lodged in uncomfortable places. (Hopefully his penis).

• George Story

The Jab:
In 1936, Life Magazine premiered. On the cover of the debut issue was a newborn baby by the name of George Story. The headline read: "Life Begins." Over the course of the magazine's tenure, it updated readers on Story’s life from the first time he got married all the way through his retirement, providing a detailed human profile of a single man. It was a beautiful way to tell the story of...well...life.

The Irony Blow:
A few days after Life announced that it would no longer continue its publication, George Story died from heart failure. In its final issue, Story was featured in one last article. The headline read: "A Life Ends."

Now, I know what you're thinking: Wait a minute? His name was actually “Story?” And his life was featured prominently in the stories in “Life?” It's enough to make anyone call "bullshit!" But this sentimental tale is actually true. In fact, I would like to believe that somewhere out there is a man named Gary Cracked who will not only be high on cocaine 24/7, but who will also spend his days telling his friends about the 29 Most Awesome Ways a Robot Could Kill You until he finally passes away from looking at too many pictures of Photo-shopped boobies.

• J.I. Rodale

The Jab:
Famous for promoting a healthy lifestyle and organic foods, Rodale was the publisher of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine. He didn’t believe in pesticides, artificial fertilizers, fat, animal products, nicotine, caffeine, and basically anything else that has any traces of “yumminess” attached to it. I’m willing to bet that he didn’t believe in irony, either.

The Irony Blow:
On a 1971 broadcast of The Dick Cavett Show, Rodale participated in an interview wherein he bragged up the pay-offs of healthy living stating such soundbite gems as “I’m in such good health that I fell down a flight of stairs yesterday and I laughed all the way” and “I’ve decided to live to be a hundred.” Almost immediately after completing the interview, Rodale died in his chair of a heart attack. While I’d like to think that if I were host Dick Cavett, I’d be able to come up with a suitable one-liner, I’d assuredly say something like “it's not the first time I've bored someone to death!” Then I’d gurgle a bit and ask “is it hot in here or is it just this guy’s decaying body? Zing!”

That's probably why I don't have my own talk show.


*For less gruesome humor, check out my last rejected article about the worst online advice columns ever put into print.