An Open Letter to Ben Folds.

"The secret life and he leads it."
- Ben Folds, "The Secret Life of Morgan Davis"

Dear Ben Folds,

I know your secret identity. Oh? Surprised? You may have fooled millions of other shoe-gazing listeners who are intent simply listening to your slightly melancholic, sarcasm-coated piano pop gems without a thought directed toward the skill behind the music. But I know better. I know that pounding those keys in the way you do has to take some sort of superhuman gene, or at the very least, a very strong daily multi-vitamin. So the truth has been uncovered. It's time to out you...Wolverine.

Awwwwww shit! No he didn't! (And yes, he did.) That's right, Ben, or should I say "Logan?" There can't be many possible explanations for bitch-slapping the ivories in such a manner that don't involve Adamantium. Fingers of steel, they are. Your callouses have callouses, which then mated to have tiny baby callouses. But hardened skin notwithstanding, you show such little regard for you own appendages on stage that--if you weren't of superhuman capability--would greatly worry your audience, and subsequently create a less enjoyable atmosphere. But since you do have superpowers...

The venue didn't allow cameras inside. Perhaps so as not to reveal any secrets?
So this is what we documented.

You put on a show that makes every geek proud. You allow the rest of us to unleash our inner dorks in a comfortable environment, knowing full well that dorks can rock the fuck out too. You're a gifted pianist and songwriter. You know your way around a lyric or two. And you're no longer ashamed to play your big hits, a quality I find admirable in a semi-indie darling.

But, so...can you also fly? Or are your superhuman abilities limited to music? Because, I think if I had to choose, I'd go with invisibility or x-ray vision over steel fingers. Oh, and you make poke fun at some of your more terrible songs. I like that, too.

I wonder, though, do you know of any other musicians that are superheroic? If so, do you have annual meetings wherein you put all of your superpowers toward crafting an insanely good mega-hit song? Sort of a "We Are the World" for the cape-wearing crowd? And is Bono a part of it? Because, as far as I can tell, his only superpower would be his uncanny douche projection. Seriously...what a fucker.

Inside: capes, plasma guns, and Bono's dead body?

I hope you don't feel betrayed by me outing your real identity in this way. It's a sign of affection, I promise. I just find it hard to believe that someone could pound away on a piano for 3 hours like they were exorcising a demon from it without showing a little fatigue. You know?

Anyways, you've made an even greater fan out of me because of it. If you ever come around to my area again, I'll have to buy 3 tickets: one for me, one for my girlfriend, and one for my giant boner. 'Cause you're pretty great.


This Entry In Song:
Ben Folds - "You Don't Know Me"
Ben Folds - "The Secret Life of Morgan Davis"


P.S. Say hello to the rest of your Super Music Friends. (Dave Grohl, Kirk Hammett, and Elvis Costello?)

Be Back Soon,
Shaky Jake