"Adjectives on the typewriter, he moves his words like a prizefighter."
- Cake, "Shadow Stabbing"
As some of you may know, my original purpose behind moving out to California was to fulfill a lifelong dream--as an aspiring writer--to get published. I didn't care how, I just wanted it to happen. The format didn't matter; screenwriting, magazine articles, telenovelas...whatever. I just figured that being here in L.A. would light the fire under my bones that was necessary to get my written words in print and out to the masses. And it did. Sort of.
Yes, I have finished a short script. (And no, I will not be publishing it on this blog. Thanks for asking.) However, I don't know anyone in the industry and, unfortunately, am unwilling to perform sexual favors for Vincent Gallo to get it made into a feature. This leaves me at a disadvantage. So while it remains on the back-burner, my main focus in writing has changed. Along with writing this very witty and (not) well-publicized blog, I've been making constant attempts at getting articles published at the premier online humor magazine, Cracked. So far, no good.
That's why I'm hoping to gain a little support from my readers. Write your congressman, call your grandparents, sell a kidney, do whatever you can to persuade the staff at Cracked.com to give this guy a chance! And just in case the snooty humorists at Cracked happen to peruse the blog listings on Google, I'm going to publish each of my failed article attempts here at Hillbilly Takes Hollywood. So...boo-yah.
Failed article #1...
*****
THE WORST ONLINE ADVICE ARTICLES
EVER PUT INTO PRINT.
The art of advice-giving is a tricky game that should be handled with a certain amount of delicacy and care. As we all know, the best advice-givers on the planet have had plenty of life experience to help connect with the person in need of help. And from Ann Landers to Dear Abbey, there is no shortage of advice in the printed word.
There is also a big handful of dorks and perverts who should never be trusted to give advice to people or inanimate objects at any time. These are those people.
- Offender: AskMen.com
WORST ARTICLE:
The Top 10 Ways to Flirt Sexually
The title pretty much gives it away. The Top 10 Ways to Flirt...Sexually. The only more literal that title could be is if it came attached with a winky face and a parenthetical If Ya Know What I Mean at the end of it. And even then, I’m sure the writers would feel as if their intended audience “might not really get what we’re trying to say.” I assure you, AskMen, we get it. We get it hard.
This advice isn’t directed toward a single moment or situation, but rather the whole gamut of possible chances at sexual innuendo. (...in her end-o.) It covers the delicate and subtle art of seduction, the sly conveyance of charm and wit, and the mastery of cunning observation. And it does it all in a way that makes Andrew Dice Clay seem like the utmost authority on feminine intellect. The bits of sample dialogue they use would make both soap opera AND big-budget porn writers cringe in empathy. Understand, AskMen, that most of the people reading your article have seen a vagina before (if only at the movies) and can probably understand your ever-so-subtle ways of pointing out all things related to S-E-X.
SAMPLE ADVICE:
BRING SEX INTO THE SITUATION
For example, let’s say you get a woman a cup of tea; you can follow up by saying: "Looks like you’re on the receiving end today. Do you always receive or do you like to give at times too?" Crack a slight smile and she will know exactly what you are talking about.
LET HER KNOW YOU KNOW
Many women feel compelled to vacuum their house when they're ovulating. Some experts believe it has something to do with wanting to "clean the nest" before laying her "egg." So, when a woman tells you she is vacuuming, say: "Vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something?" She’ll be stunned that you know this and wonder what else you know about female sexuality. Of course, if she doesn’t know what you mean, fill her in. Women love it when you teach them something new -- especially about themselves.
These columns were most likely written by the guys who didn’t understand the subtleties of a good “that’s what she said” joke.
OVERALL TONE:
Demeaning to both a man’s sense of dignity and a woman’s restraint to not kick a guy in the balls. The men at home who stare in awe at their computer screens as they feverishly take notes off of this website will turn out to be the same men who are eventually convicted of statutory rape. And further down the road, they too, will surely end up with their own advice columns.
- Offender: Ask the Bartender
WORST ARTICLE:
Advice Column #24
SAMPLE ADVICE:
In response to...
Hey Bartender!
I'm getting married in the fall. However, I'm having increasing tensions with her mother... She's trying to help but winds up causing more issues than she solves... I mentioned once that I liked Apple Cider, and her mom had a case of sparkling cider special- delivered to me about a week later. There were two issues here- 1: The logistics of getting the cider delivered was a hassle for myself and my landlord and 2: It was more cider than I could possibly drink, and a lot of it just got thrown out.
...How can I communicate to her that I know she has the best of intentions, she really needs to just leave me alone most of the time?
After much lengthy, insightful consideration in how to adequately respond to the mother-in-law, the Bartender throws away all sense of credibility like a tattered shot glass at the end of the night...
I've thought about giving you recipes for punch with cider, or drinks with cider, but what I think you really need to drink is some whiskey and cider. While I think any bottle of Maker's Mark can give you a decent mixed drink, I'm going to list you a bunch of whiskeys, bourbons, and scotches that you might consider adding to your registry.
OVERALL TONE:
Thoughtful, easy to understand, and all in all a Budweiser executive’s wet dream. Generally, the Bartender gives suitable tips on how to deal with common situations. (Which is strange, because the last bartender I sought advice from told me that in order to win back my ex-girlfriend I’d need to be at least seven inches taller and arm wrestle my way back into her good graces. It was like seeking advice from a Roadhouse marathon on TNT.) But at the end of every single article, the Bartender retreats into what he knows best: booze, booze, and recommending booze. I’m not sure if Jack and Coke is the official sponsor of Ask the Bartender or not, but I’d like to think that this is a picture of the author at work:
"You say your best friend punched your wife in the jaw?
Solution: Put me in your mouth."
Oh, and an ironically fun drinking game idea: take a shot of alcohol every time this guy mentions a type of alcohol. You're all but guaranteed to be reading his advice at the level of a third grader in no time. Unless, of course, you already read at a third grade level, in which case you'll just take a nap.
- Offender: A Girl's World
My favorite part of the website is the corner of the page where things get real. It's called "Tuff Talk," and it gives these little bitches the hard truths that their parents won't spoon-feed them. Truths like...
WORST ARTICLE:
Oh No, I Have Braces Now!
Of all the horrific things that kids have to worry about when it comes to school--bad grades, yucky green bean casserole for lunch, unpredictable boners for the boys and lopsided chest development for the gals--one thing they absolutely should not have to deal with is having their teeth straightened by shiny strands of metal! Or glasses. Glasses suck sooooo much. But luckily, counseling is available.
SAMPLE ADVICE:
Okay, what your problem is is that you want to fit in!
So my advice is, act like you always do. I know this may be hard, but eventually you won't mind! If your already popular, why should braces change it? People will get used to it, and hey, in two years you'll be the envy of every girl in school!
Listen to her, Louise. She's older and wiser than you are. By almost a year, bitch. Been around the block a few more times...
Though it's important for kids to be spoken to at their own level, it's also important to note that kids are primarily retarded beings and shouldn't be allowed to give advice on anything unrelated to kickball. When I was a child, my proudest intellectual thought came in the realization that I shouldn't pick things out of my taint and then smell them. And even that took me a while to fully understand. So I find it fitting that the eleven-year-old grief counselor extraordinaire featured here has all the common sense of a running shoe. And she doesn't give much in terms of guidelines or examples. She basically just says, "deal with it, fuck face." It's like telling someone who's in a wheelchair to "just roll around wherever possible" or telling a television set, "hey, it's okay, people are going to watch you." That's not advice. That's just a series of unfortunate facts about unfortunate circumstances.
Also, this is a ten-year-old seeking advice from an eleven-year-old on an honest-to-God internet publication. Instead of braiding her friend's hair and pointing out how much hotter Owen Wilson totally is than Christian Bale. Something's wrong here.
OVERALL TONE:
This website should be typed entirely in purple glitter fonts. It's the ultimate "oh my God, this stuff happened at school today and it so sucked" conversation, but it's aired out on the internet for every pre-teen to nod along with in disgusted agreement. And just when you think that one of the tweeny-boppers actually made a genuine point, you see the words "Boy Zone" sectioning off a whole other portion of advice columns, with a headline just beneath it that reads "He Makes Fun of My Room!" And then you realize that the only thing more pointless than this advice is a marathon race between Stephen Hawking and a toothbrush.
Two points for effort. Zero everything else.
- Offender: Planet Abiola and the Goddess Factory
For the uninitiated, Abiola is to the internet blog-osphere what Tyra Banks is to daytime television land. She's annoying. But she's not just annoying, she's annoying and she wants you to share in her unnerving ability to be more self-centered than anyone else has ever dared. Sounds like the perfect person to have their own advice column, right? But not to worry, Abiola has written her own fictional novel, so she must be suited to dish out the ol' tips and tricks on real life situations!
Disclaimer: if you happen to peruse her website and manage to find a picture or article that doesn't contain an image or reference to her book, Dare, what you are experiencing is an illusion. It will likely go away soon. Also, expect to see words like "awesome-a-licious" pop up far too often.
WORST ARTICLE:
Backstory: Writing Your First Book
If you are an attractive person, and you want to give advice to someone who finds themselves unattractive--even ugly (though we at Cracked have never experienced such a personification)--you might do your best to help this person out with their insecurities without gloating and pointing out how much of a smoking hot piece of ass you are in your new, especially tight jeans. That's common decency, really. And it's exactly what Abiola is unwilling to do.
SAMPLE ADVICE:
This article, though labeled under the general umbrella of "advice," really fits more into the category of "shameless plugging" or "delusional self-advertising." She takes an opportunity to inspire her reader by connecting with her and sharing keen insight into how she can get her own creativity flowing into a book...and then decides that was a stupid idea and turns into a promotion robot. She goes deep into a "Behind the Music" version of her last few years, detailing her book promotions, her show on BET, and her slutty dancing ways via unnecessary photos. She also, for reasons unbeknown to the world, compares herself to "a hip-hop artist of the literary kind." And she says things like this:
Now, I am not the picture of what you may imagine a hip-hop lover looks like. I have two degrees, grew up in a mostly vegetarian family and am the first generation American daughter of immigrants. My goal was to give birth to a “chick lit” story for the demographic-breaking women of my generation.
At this point, two things are clear. 1) Abiola is confusing the word "advice" with "auto-biography." And 2) She's being more of a hindrance to womankind--specifically black women--than a help. In a nutshell, she just told all of her strong, black readers that if you have a degree, you probably aren't listening to hip-hop. And if you're listening to hip-hop...you probably don't have a degree. Take that, Malcolm X!
OVERALL TONE:
Arrogant, arrogant, arrogant. With a side of ignorance-a-licious. You and Tyra can both go straight to hell.
*****
Well, there ya go. I hope you enjoyed my first rejected Cracked article. Tell me what you thought of it. I'd be pleased to hear positive (and negative) responses.
Be Back Soon,
Shaky Jake
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